Morning Ladies.

Ok, first blog wasn't good because i was tired so I'll give a whole recap on everything that's been going on in the past month. I've been dating this guy Derek for almost a year now. :D we've been dating on and off since my freshman year of high school. That's like 5 years now! Lately, I've been weird around him. I barely ate when we hung out, but now he's noticing it more, so I sent him "Ana's Letter".... I was so nervous and scared about his reaction. When he replied, he said he was breaking up with me, but I didn't care. I had Ana. He told me to get help or he wouldn't be with me. "No!" I screamed. Back and forth yelling at each other about what I was doing. He said he wanted to know more, so i sent him some signs and symptoms that i saved on my blackberry. "You're showing every one of these signs! You need help." " I don't want help until I decide that I need it."

That was a few weeks ago. I was with him last week and he tried to talk me into eating something small for breakfast. I said I would eat a banana. "eat more than a banana, I'll cut it up and make a "cereal" with some milk and some light sugar."    "........Fine....but that's all I'm eating!"  "yea, we'll see...."

We've talked about how much i want to lose.
"I want to be 99 lbs."
"No way! That's too thin!"
"IT'S MY FUCKING BODY!"
"Fine. At least try for 100..."
"For now...."


So that's what's been going on with Ana. As of this morning, I weigh 128. Fucking fat ass!!!!!!
I'll probably be on later.

Stay strong, starve on. <3

Fat girl. new beginning

I'm fat. Plain and simple. I won't be fat for long. I'm going to diet like crazy and be skinny for my boyfriend. He says he likes me the way I am, but I know he's lying. Especially when he sees me naked. He thinks I'm gross and ugly. But not for long!

Found this on a site. Realized I wanted every single one of them.

01. I want to be thin
02. I want to be able to wear all white and still look tiny.
03. I want to walk in the snow and not leave a footprint
04. I want to be beautiful
05. I want to rock a bikini
06. I want to not be embarrassed when I have to change in front of others
07. I want to be confident
08. I want to be the first one to shed her clothes at the beach
09. I want to be strong
10. I want to see my bones: my collarbones, my ribcage, and my hipbones especially
11. I want to fit into the perfect wedding dress
12. I want to put my hands inside my ribcage
13. I want to deserve praise
14. I want to smile at the number on the scale or tape measure
15. I want people to call me thin
16. I want to be the thinnest girl in the room ALWAYS
17. I want to be hungry
18. I want to be someone's ultimate thinspo girl
19. I want to be proud
20. I want others to be jealous of my body
21. I want to feel accomplished
22. I want people to tell me to eat because i'm "too thin"
23. I want to love myself
24. I want bruises from bumping my bones on things when i'm clumsy
25. I want a concave stomach--flat simply isn't good enough
26. I want to make Ana proud
27. I want to never have to consider Mia because there is nothing in my stomach to throw up
28. I want delicate, stick-thin legs (instead of my disgusting thunder thighs)
29. I want to be in the double--not triple--digits on the scale
30. I want the pain of payment...
31. I want to be able to be lifted into the air by a single helium ballon (not possible... I know)
32. I want to be the girl every guy wants to be with
33. I don't want to be invisible
34. I want to be able to look in the mirror and like what I see
35. I want to be able to shop anywhere
36. I want other girls to envy me
37. I want to always feel hungry--and not eat
38. I want the will power to always say no to compulsive eating
39. I want to not fight with myself over getting on the treadmill
40. I want to walk into a room and have every guy reconsider their girlfriend--because I'm prettier and thinner



Damn, I have to go to sleep. I'm getting tired. Blogging will get better and more interesting. Promise.
Stay strong, starve on. <3